Sorry I've Been Absent

It's been a struggle for the last month, mostly with vanilla life issues and struggles.  I know, what's new right?  Well, I wanted to just let everyone know that the journey continues...actually, it thrives in so many ways.  Goddess has been training me in many, many ways...to be a better slave.  Much of the way things have gone lately is very dreamy...and from my little sub goggles...looks almost unbelieveably perfect.  I've lots of posts to catch everyone up, but for now just wanted to say "Hiya Campers!"  :-)

When a sub reads Domme literature...

Well, it's probably just not a smart thing to do for starters.  But I did...and came across a few articles on "How to drive your sub/slave into deeper submission."  I realize there are 1000's of ways, but there were some I read that struck a cord with me.  Thought I'd share some of the things in the article with my reaction.

Have him make a list of the 10 things that make him the most self-conscious, uncomfortable or embarrassed.  Thought this was interesting, 10 is sort of a big number, but I'm going to work on this one.


Work with him, having him do the things on the list (if possible), so that she conquers those fears and hesitations.   Inevitable follow-up to the one above.

Have him eat from a dog bowl on occasion.   Having been a sub all my life, not sure how I made it this far without ever having to do this.  Would definitely make me feel submissive, especially in the presence of others.


For transgressions: Command that he is to be silent for a period of time. He may not speak, and will take whatever pain or pleasure You give as silently as possible.  I tend to be sorta stoic, so not sure this would have much impact on me.


Have him wear nipple clamps under his clothing out to dinner or shopping.  Yes, yes, and yes.


Speak about him as if he were not present.  Another one I've never experienced.  The whole objectification thing has never really been explored.  Seems very subspacey to me.


Keep a list of his transgressions in a little book....let him slip for a while...thinking You are not noticing.....then one day, bring out the book and have a day of atonement.  Ah, the unexpected punishment session, that's one I know about...and it works.


Don't be afraid to bring him to tears, for they are Yours as well.  This one caught me off guard.  From a Domme's point of view it totally makes sense...and just the thought of a dominant thinking this makes me feel submissive.


Get him tattooed (Your choice of art and location).  Goddess and I have talked/joked about this one, but it is definitely something I think about.

Make him swallow his own cum or another man's cum.  Well part "A" is a reality and part of my life.  Part "B" something I experienced long ago, and already know how it would make me feel...owned and submissive.

Force him to eat something that he likes but modify it with spit or golden nectar.  This has always been a hard limit for me, but one that I no longer wish to hold onto.  This is one of the ultimate acts of submission and a punctuation mark on a dominant's power.  I'm no longer afraid.

Are there any of you Domme's or Subbies who have reactions to these? or ideas of your own?

Self Disclosure

I've read several very thoughtful "Who am I" type posts lately...authors trying to peel back some layers to describe themselves more transparently.  And, well, I guess I caught the bug.
I don't have a lot of real life friends.  My depression has...over time...worn most of them out.  I find it incredibly hard to return phone calls, to be spontaneous and go out to do things socially.  I'm an introvert in almost every sense of the word.  My self-esteem hovers around dangerous levels most of the time and there are very few emotional outlets where I can really be myself.

Much of what has shaped me comes from my past relationships.  My mother and each of my two ex-wives were extremely controlling, somewhat abusive, and quick with the put-down.  Over time I learned that if I was going to say something...I'd better think it over real good first, to avoid being chastised or told I didn't know anything...or worst of all...to be misunderstood.

As a submissive, I've served around 10 different dominant females (half pro-dommes) and ALL EXCEPT Goddess have described me as STOIC...as a sub inside himself...a slave without words...a slave that is so submissive that I get lost in my head.  With Goddess things are a little different, but I think she still notices how I sort of "shut down" and go into serving mode.  My slavery to Goddess is more complex somehow, a slightly deeper emotional connection and understanding that has grown rather quickly.

My lack of confidence, my stoic nature in and out of play-time, and my over thinking in my head has caused some big problems along my submissive journey.  I've run away from some very strong and worthy dominants.  People who took the time to care about me, to train me, to invest in me.  I guess the running stems mostly from fear of not being good enough for them, or making mistakes.  There has been some vanilla life garbage that definitely has contributed to the running as well...a sort of "nothing bad can happen if I cut myself off from everyone" attitude.

But, like I said, I'm growing.  I'm learning to communicate a little better.  I'm a better match for my owner than anyone I've previously served.  I say that because our objectives, interests, motivations are in tune.  I'll post again with more of a Goddess Centric post, to share a more in depth scope to my slavery to her.

So...what do I need?  I need ownership, companionship, and friendship from patient people...people who understand how singular and fragile I can be...how easily I cry...how quickly I sink into deep subspaces and thrive in their technicolor emotions and feelings.  I'm not sad, although the future does scare me a bit.  Facing the world is tricky when you're a thinker...a STOIC...and living in a fast paced, rat race world.

Goddess and the Dungeon

The dungeon has come a LONG way!

We've constructed walls (above) and although we may configure them slightly different, the work we have put in is really starting to show.  By the end of this month it should be mostly finished

 :-)

Of course there are always improvements and "adds", but the Space is for all intensive purposes...ready for action.

Also, Goddess received a new paddle that came as an extra with my collar.  It's called the "Lightning Bolt" and it is exquisitely made.  Check out Black Market Chicago and the image of Goddess with the new tool below...

She is Divine and so worthy of praise and worship.  I am fortunate to be in her service!

Some Images and Updates on the Journey

Snowed in...and listening to the wind howl...wishing I was at her feet...where I belong on a day like today.  Unfortunately, there's 15 miles of blizzard between us :-( 

So thought I'd catch you up with some words and pictures.

Very early in my service to Goddess, she discovered that a pair of dog leashes (moderately heavy chain) made great toys for attaching to my nipple clamps.  They've been used on many occasions and although I sort of dread them...they are extremely effective in a variety of situations.  Goddess enjoys them as well, both for their perfect weight and the way they can be used.  Above she mixed one of the leashes with one of my main duties...foot worship.  Almost every aspect of my training has a component of nipple torture.  It is one of many likes that we share, that binds us together.

Impact play, spanking, and the "reddening of the ass" are activities that are challenging for me, always have been.  I know I've got a long way to go in my training to completely satisfy Goddess in this way of submitting.  A bondage component helps me to be able to suffer longer and harder, and I know that this type of training and punishment is something that will always be tested.  Because it is important to her...it's important to me.  Above I received a nice Rosy pair of cheeks last weekend.

Something I learned at the very beginning of my submissive journey..."a sub cleans up his mess"...is ever present in my life.  Goddess enjoys this and expects it from me...it is a "given".  I've noticed several other bloggers writing about the subject lately, and just thought an image of my "reality" might be apropo.

Goddess and I both struggle with the limited amount of time in which I'm able to serve her.  Work, family, weather, and other things seem to prevent us from having the quantity of time we both desire for my training and service.  While this will always be a challenge, it's one that is made bearable by the fact that the "quality" of the time we do have is unsurpassed.

The title of this Blog, "Sub Space Searching" could really be altered to say "Sub Space Found"...but then again...deeper places of Space are still out there waiting to be cultivated.  Goddess has already made it known that there is much on the road ahead of me....

Images for subservient-husband: As Promised

As promised, from the "What's your favorite bondage position" post, here are some images of SH's contribution.  You see, this really IS interactive!

Hopefully, that's the idea you had in mind sub-hub :-)

Another post will be coming soon, as I've much more to share....

If you had your own "Little Bird"...

What naughty message would you have it whisper in your Owner's/Sub's ear today???

Sometimes I think the silent communication that happens between Owners and Subs is a delicious exchange.  Other times, it seems the silence gets in the way of great things.  Does that make sense?

Mine would whisper in Goddess' ear....
"Your slave's limits are feeling very...

S-T-R-E-T-C-H-Y"

p.s. (unrelated):  My Collarme profile has become a magnet for beautiful transexuals.  Not sure what that means or how I should take it, but....guess I'm flattered :-)

Your Favorite Bondage Position?

Since Goddess and I now have the flexibility and luxury of the new dungeon, experimenting with positions has been sort of a focal point.  Finding different materials to use...positions to force...etc.  I guess you could say I'm a little lost in my head as to:

• What invokes a sub-spacey feeling most?
• What hurts or is the most uncomfortable?
• Which gives Goddess best access to my body for her favorite activities?
• Which positions can I hold and suffer for long periods of time?
• Which positions take the most time to secure?
• Which positions are the safest or most dangerous?
• Which do I desire to be put in the  most?  the least?
• Which positions does Goddess enjoy most? least?

Guess I'll have to fill you in when I have the answers...but right now I'm just enjoying the fact that Goddess has sooooooooooo many options :-)

What are your favorites? Your Least favorite?  Do you have a picture of a position or bondage method you'd like to see Goddess put me in (we'll do them and post a personalized image of it)?  All comments are very welcome!

Best of Blogworld this week

Thought I'd share a couple great blogs/posts that I read this morning.

http://lilithsunderworld.blogspot.com/2011/01/this-abuse-victims-take-on-submission.html

http://suzanne-allmine.blogspot.com/2011/01/marking-our-sissy-cuckold.html

http://cliveskink.blogspot.com/2011/01/murdering-kittens-with-bare-hands.html

http://kinkykelleykicksthekurse.wordpress.com/2011/01/24/happy-monday/

Highly recommended reading :-)

Little Snapshot of Sunday

I had a chance to serve Goddess yesterday...YEAH!  We went shopping and found some really nice fabric to use for the dungeon walls (stay tuned).  We were also able to clean out more basement "stuff" to the curb. 

We had some time to again try out the dungeon and it was an incredible afternoon.  Goddess found a new position for me that she really enjoyed...

One of the benefits of this position was to explore, for the first time...foot cropping.  I had seen it in many movies and was very curious about it.  Goddess used a couple of tools on my feet...the fleshy part on and around the arch.  It was exquisite pain...made me feel very submissive, and hopefully Goddess will begin to include that place on my body for future training and punishment :-)

Have a Mombo Monday everyone!

Destination Sub-SPACE: Prologue 2

Before we jump into Chapter 1 of Destination Subspace, some enlightening informational nuggets may serve us well.  In preparation for "Move In Day", the FIC's had spent several months of meticulous recruiting for the island.  Their labors resulted in the following soon to be inhabitants.

• 1000 Citizens:  These are the superior females for whom the island was established.  Many of them were personal friends, acquaintances, associates of the Females in Charge (FIC's).  The vast majority, however, had applied for citizenship.  Collectively the FIC's went through these applications and hand picked those that met the qualities expected.
• Successful, intelligent, progressive women
• Women that embraced the innate superiority of the female gender
• Healthy, active, type A women, that would benefit from an escape from "The Gray Days"
• 250 Females of Inferior Nature (FIN's)  These were to be very important women on Sub-SPACE, and were scrutinized by the FIC's before being chosen.  Their roles would be diverse and specific, as they would be the backbone of skilled labor...any job that was above trusting a slave to do.  These females can best be described as

• Young, beautiful, highly skilled in their personally chosen fields.  They would be the nurses, IT administrators, chefs and waitresses, research assistants, personal trainers, slave handlers.  They would enjoy their work because it was their passion.
• These FIN's had not yet fully grasped their superiority, and were maturing as individuals.
• Many of the FIN's aspired to becoming Citizens at some point and saw their opportunity on Sub-SPACE as a place to learn and grow in their femininity and superiority.
• 25 Males of Superior Breeding (MSB's)  These were young men who had been specifically sought/found/captured by Kelley the Female in Charge of Fun.  They were perfect specimens of the male gender...physically at least, and perfect as alpha slaves for Sub-SPACE.

• 2000 Male slaves mostly either coerced from the web or recommended from someone.  Every effort was made to make sure they were a diverse and quality sample of the males that were available.  These were chosen because...
• They had displayed geniune submissiveness either through their writing, blogging, or from references.
• They were healthy and ready for the duties that would await them on Sub-SPACE.
• They voluntarily sought a new reality...even if it wasn't exactly what they thought they were signing up for.

Things were in line...preparations had been made...and Day One of Sub-SPACE was about to begin.......

Not narcoleptic...maybe SAD

So a little bit about me.  I don't think there's a medical term for it...but if there were...the definition would be:

"Does not have the inner ability or mental strength to fight off sleep when tired."

Yeah, that's me.  I've been in 5 serious car accidents in my life...2 of them were from falling asleep at the wheel.  I learned at an early age not to tempt fate by driving when tired...I just can't fight it.  As I age (45), it seems to be amplifying on me, and I don't like it one bit.

Goddess and I chat online most nights that we aren't together, after hers and my personal reponsibilities are finished, usually sometime between 9 and 10pm.  Lately, however, I've been dosing off and not waking up until it's too late.  I'll sit down on the couch to eat dinner and watch a spot of TV...and the next thing I know...its 2am.  Probably sounds strange I'm sure, but I just can't fight sleep after that first yawn of the evening.

I'm getting between 6-8 hours of sleep, and I don't have a particularly strenuous job.  My diet's not great, but not horrible either.  So this thing I've dealt with all my life is getting worse...and it's costing me time with my owner...costing me productive personal time...making me feel bad about myself for not being a good subbie.  I guess in my mind, a sub should be so available, and able to stretch time and schedules to accomodate...and I'm failing.

Now Goddess has been very understanding, very reassuring, and very supportive.  In that way, I'm so lucky.  I realize this.  But just not sure how to cope with or correct the trend.  Glad to hear your thoughts.  I know there are many practical solutions, but I've tried most of them and I'm still coming up...sleeping.

Last night was a small victory, as I had just gotten home from work...eaten a nice meal...gotten into my PJ's...and not only started chatting with Goddess, but actually found the energy to "wake up/clean up/and go" to her house for service.  Maybe it's SAD (seasonal affective disorder) where during the short days of winter...a depression sets in, it's main symptom...loss of energy and ambition. 

Oh well, not an exciting post I know, but it's been on my mind...........

Destination Sub-SPACE: The Cast Part 1: Meet the FIC'ers

Janna's vision was to fashion her SPACE in a completely Female led manner.  Women would rule...Women would live their superiority...Women would control all aspects of everything.  Her wisdom of the Femdom World, and her execution of its principals in her own life spurred her on.  Knowing it would take sound leadership to make it all work, she set out to find women gifted in their particular fields...who would devote themselves to Sub-SPACE and it's success.  It didn't take as long as she expected, and soon had found her FIC's...Females in Charge...

·    Pria:  Female in Charge (FIC) of all Sub-SPACE Operations.  At the age of 55, Pria had conquered the world.  She had started and grown two of the most successful Real Estate Firms in England and served on several restructuring councils when London began adapting to The Gray Days.  Cool and calm, she never came across an issue she couldn't diffuse.  Balancing budgets and schedules was like buttering bread for her and when Janna approached her to be the Governor of Sub-SPACE, she knew this was the perfect career move...the last she would ever have to make.  As leader of this floating paradise, she could enjoy it all...influence, power, security, and most of all be the main player in molding the dream that Janna had birthed.   She was attractive for her age, but looked all of her 55 years.  With the most delightful cockney accent, she could hypnotize a room with her voice...and the wink of an eye.

·         Natia:  Female in Charge (FIC) of Slave Operations.  For the last 7 years Natia had run a professional dungeon in New York.  With an M.D. in pyschology and a PHD in male brains, she had successfully grown her enterprise to one of the largest BDSM havens in the world.  Fifty Pro-dommes in her employ and 1000's of customers, had given her the opportunity to become one of the premier authors and speakers on Female Supremacy.  29 years old and a specimen to behold, she wielded the whip just as well as her whit...and any man in her presence was reduced to dust at her spoken word.  Her responsibilities in Sub-SPACE were many, but from the beginning, recruiting slaves and filling stable ranks was her most urgent task.

·         Philly:  Female in Charge (FIC) of Homeland Technology and Science.  Philly had been unemployed for almost a year after being let go by one of China's most prestigious research universities.  Her "work" pushed even the boundaries of the forward thinking Asian population and she had been forced out.  Much of her experimental method both in behaviors and drug therapy never made the light of day...  When Janna approached her to head the Science and Technology portion of Sub-SPACE, she saw it as a way to once again, continue her "work".  Her gymnast figure and her sweet, angelic face are a stark contrast to her twisted and deviously modern thinking mind.

·         Kelley:  Female in Charge (FIC) of Citizen Engagement and Fulfillment.  Miss Kelley was Jenna's first choice for "FIC of Fun".  Having a reputation for throwing the most spectacular and mind expanding parties in Los Angeles, Kelly was the party girl of the century.  Jenna was quoted after interviewing Kelley for the position, "That girl would have fun if you dropped her off in the middle of the desert with nothing but a hair dryer."  Kelley had dated most of the young jet-set in Hollywood both male and female...and corrupted each and every one.  From her trend setting hair to her perfumed feet...Kelley was up for the challenge of making sure the women of Sub-SPACE lived a life of pleasure, excitement, and hedonistic morality.

Destination Sub-SPACE: The Prologue I

A work of original fiction by Hawk/Subspacesearcher

The world had just welcomed in the year 2021.  The past decade had rewritten what life was all about.  The global economy had been reduced to a shadow, and the countries that remained had reorganized in a base and casual effort to just sustain themselves.  Essentially, cooperation, unity, and common purpose were no more.  With each person, family, city, and country focused on not going backward...the world had found a gray balance, an empty, passionless, peaceful state, that seemed to point toward tomorrow.   It was a New World Attitude.

Advancements in technology had been significant enough to correct the environmental challenges of earlier days.  New agricultural processes had significantly erased hunger and famine in the developed regions of the planet.  With very little challenging the civilized portion of the human race, the world had stumbled on The Gray Years.  These were years without enlightenment, without motivation, the status quo becoming more like serenity.  Personal success was measured by avoiding stress and living comfortably...which everyone did.  Third world populations had mostly vanished, since First World countries had seen no need to keep them around.  They had starved or been killed off by disease, or had killed each other off...or who knows what.  All that mattered was, things were comfy and cozy for those that still lived, and that was enough for most everyone.

"Most"  is not a synonym for "All", however.  There were those who's decadence and greed were not satisfied by the New World Attitude, and they found ample opportunity to accumulate wealth.  A very small population of Aristocrat-like celebrities amassed large fortunes through media, technology, and resource exploitation.  This new "Class" had very little interest in The Gray Years, and turned their attentions to more selfish pursuits...creating their own self sustaining SPACES...their own little world's within the world...their own Utopia's...in accordance with their own fanciful images of perfection.  Where they could live their lives like Gods.

These "SPACES" were actually Eco-cities, to use a term from days gone by.  Floating cities that could sustain themselves completely.  No emissions, no fossil fuels, completely recharging and self sufficient.  Through wind, solar, hydro, and cyber power...these human-made islands were capable of supporting populations into the tens of thousands...with little or no need for interaction with the rest of the world.

Enter Janna.  Queen of the silver screen, Princess of the Internet highway, Baroness of world economics.  She had taken advantage of every opportunity The Gray Years had presented, cashing in on every business venture and every bureaucratic loophole...and had amassed a fortune unfathomable to the common man.  Several of her Aristocratic peers had already purchased and launched their own SPACES, but  Janna was not going to be left behind...in fact, she was going to rewrite the whole concept on her terms.  She contracted an available SPACE of the latest and greatest fashion, recruited a team of qualified leaders, experts and administrators, and within a year had her own SPACE floating several hundred miles off the coast of southern California.  It was named Sub-SPACE, and it was not to be your ordinary off shore utopia.

This is where our yarn begins to ravel :-) 

Fiction Update: A 2011 Project

For sometime, I've been mentally toiling over a creative writing project.  After reading the news on Yahoo the other day, I believe I've nailed down a theme and story line that I'll be unleashing in the coming days.  Posting bite size portions on here, and keeping an up-to-date full version available somewhere else online....eventually ending in a novella or something of that nature. 

I'll be posting the prologue tonight, but wanted to throw out an opportunity to those of you who are "cut from the creative cloth".  Here are the opportunities to be part of the project...

• If any of you are artists or wanna-be artists...I'd love to give you a chance to possibly do some illustrations in whatever medium you prefer.  I'll paint the mental picture...and you put your personal touch on it.
• If you have an idea for a character you'd like me to "write in" to the story, that would be a fun challenge for me.  Could be male/female/dominant/submissive/a creature/etc...my mind is wide open and would enjoy hearing some of your "mind's creations".  Maybe you'd just like to have yourself be written into the story?  That's okay too :-)

If you have any questions or any interest at all in the above...let me know!

Prologue arriving on your Blog shelves this week :-)

A Saturday Evening Potpourri

Hello Folks,
I couldn't get in the "fiction writing" groove today.  Actually, I couldn't get in the groove to do anything today...so I've a little of this and a little of that for you.

First off, I know there are lots of BDSM checklist/interest survey/fetish preference sites scattering the web.  I found this one a while back.  I like it for a few reasons.

1. It's easy to share with someone once you've filled it out.  Can even email it straight from the site.
2. You can compare yours with someone elses right on the site.  Saves lots of printing and scribbling.
3. It has fun emoticons for likes/dislikes/curiosities.
4. Enjoy   http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/introduction.php3

Item number next:  Something about a Lock that makes any sort of bondage or collar so much more awesome...

Item number next: Things that bug me lately...

• When a scene or a moment gets really intense...and I have to sneeze
• When you're nice and comfy in some awesome bondage...and you get a leg or hip cramp
• When you get an email from someone you've been waiting for...and its one word or one line
• When others don't share my enthusiasm for something that is OBVIOUSLY very cool :-)
• When Windows updates crash your pc over and over and over

Item number next:  I spent a portion of today thinking about orcs and elves...yeah I know...NERD.  There's just a really nice contrast of good/evil...attractive/ugly...strength/cunning...potential sci-fi BDSM fiction??

Hopefully tomorrow will be a more inspiring, focused productive day :-)

Happy Friday

Just a quick thank you to all the folks who have been visiting and commenting.  I adore you all!  Here's a quick pic of me from the dungeon last week.  Photo by Goddess.

Best of the Blogworld this week: Please visit these!

So I'm finally "almost" caught up reading the 30 or so blogs that I try to keep up with.  I'm MAKING time to read...and it's just worth it...sooo worth it.  I thought I'd share a couple posts that really stood out...made me think...made me feel.  I highly recommend both of these blogs to anyone who appreciates good honest writing. 

http://adauntlessjourney.blogspot.com/2011/01/doing-it-right.html?zx=61c5677fbc9596

http://jakeskajira.blogspot.com/2011/01/needing-to-be-prey.html

And for lovers of beautiful imagery...check out the video on this post...gorgeous and intoxicating:
http://www.alternativemindsets.co.uk/2011/01/music-box-doll.html

Enjoy!
Hawk (subspacesearcher)

Deep Thought: How being overwhelmed by Real Life affects Subs

"Just Shoot me"

"Just Kill me"

"Put me out of my misery"

"Calgon take me away"

"I just don't care anymore"

"Stick a fork in me"

All things that most of us think or say when Real Life gets overwhelming.  Whether its work, family, money, or all those little "issues" that seem to hit all at once...there is a tendency to just need to MAKE IT STOP!  I had one of those days yesterday...almost felt like crying, almost felt like locking myself in my room and never leaving.  It is at moments like this that many people reach for alchohol or drugs...some form of escapism.

For me, when I reach that point where I just can't cope, a very different feeling sometimes creeps in...I want to be beaten...I want to just wallow in the awfulness of the day and truly SUFFER...suffer so much that it washes all the other crap away.  Being as submissive as I am, slipping into subspace is very easy to do.  I can get there massaging feet...even just listening to my Goddess speak sometimes.  But...

Subspace is actually so much more to me.  It is a place where the only things that really matter are my service, my attention, my submission to the will, desire, and pleasure of my owner.  It is a place of "cleansing...of sorts"...shedding all the rest of the world and its issues and problems in order to concentrate on the ONE person who you adore and worship.  So...

I guess its not surprising that when the world gets to be too much...when vanilla life gets overwhelming...there is a natural "pull" or "yearning" to get cleansed by something powerful and strong enough to refocus and "let go".

Last night I told Goddess that I needed to be "beaten", to have the toil of the real life day erased with pain.  I think this was something...an emotion...that was new to her.  I'm so glad I was able to talk to her about it, and that conversation inspired this post.  Also...

There is a Ying to this Yang.  There is also a desire...a need to be held...caressed...cared for...probably much more common I'm guessing.  I have those feelings too, like everyone.  But  they aren't exclusive.  It's just that sometimes the need for comfort and the need for pain/suffering collide, and one may tip the balance.

My questions to you are:

1. For the subs, do you ever get similar feelings when real life gets to be too much?
2. For the doms, have you experienced this in your subs?
3. For the switches, can you understand what I'm trying to share here?
4. Is it selfish of a sub to have this type of desire or need to be "beaten" or "cleansed with pain"?
5. Is this just another bad way of escaping life...like drugs or booze?
6. Is this a destructive response to bad days or bad times?

This feeling doesn't happen much...usually doesn't linger that long either.  But it's very real for me.  Thanks for reading and I would appreciate your feedback :-)

Goddess Images

After working on the dungeon all day, we played with the camera a little.  Here is a very artistic view of Goddess' most incredible foot....

And a capture of my service as Goddess relaxed at the end of the evening...with worship and a foot massage...

So much fantastic stuff has been happening.  Goddess has brought up a more structured "training curriculum" and also her desire to begin some other areas of my development, in order to help me become her perfect slave.  Much more to come!

The New Dungeon Playspace: Another step forward!

Well, Goddess and I worked ALL day yesterday on the new dungeon.  As you can see, we made HUGE progress...even beyond what we expected.

You've already seen the desk in action from New Year's Eve, but we made some enhancements to it.  We also were able to turn an old exercise machine into a functioning "Cross of Sorts".

I fashioned a place to hang Goddess' favorite hanging implements as well.  We still have some decorative work to do, some safety checking with some of the equipment, and a couple more tricks up our sleeves.  But I can tell you this is going to be a playspace worthy of someone as superior and fantastic as Goddess :-)

Definitely more to come soon on this very soon! 

Fiction: Alone yet Not

It had been one week since I'd seen Mistress, and as I rang the doorbell, the frozen wind of mid January ran its chilled fingers through my hair.  A tear slowly made its way from my eye.  The door opened and I took a few steps in, far enough for the door to close behind me and knelt on the floor.  Within seconds I felt my collar being tightly placed around my neck and heard the lock click shut.  Just as fast I was shrouded in darkness as her favorite blindfold was pulled over my head and left snug over my eyes. 

"Slide off your shoes and your coat slave boy." I heard her almost whisper.  I did and then I heard my leash being attached to the ring hanging from the leather around my neck.  "Follow me carefully on your hands and knees. We're going to the basement and I DON'T want you to screw up my fun by tumbling down the stairs."  I felt the leash tugging at me, and followed it as she pulled me to the basement door.  I very slowly crawled down the stairs behind her...one step at a time...making sure not to slip.  Once at the bottom, she led me to the center of her lair.  I could see nothing, but since I'd been there many times, I had a rough idea of where I was.  I felt her pulling at my sweatshirt...up and over my head..."Stand up" she said almost inaudibly...and those were the last words I heard all night.  The button on my jeans was undone...the zipper...and my pants fell to the ground.  I stepped out of them. 

What happened next still is left to my imagination...but all at once it seemed like there were hands all over me...and before I could even begin to decipher what was going on, I had cuffs on wrists and ankles...my legs were spread and held in place by a spreader bar...and my arms were raised up to the ceiling and fastened in a way that I was completely stretched out with no slack or wiggle room at all for any of my limbs.

I felt something cold pressed against the back of my neck and then heard the unmistakable sound of tape being ripped and then being pressed over the cold object...followed by my ears being stuffed with something soft.  I hung there, blind and deaf for at least 5 minutes.  Fingers prying my mouth open and...her favorite gag (I knew it well) was pushed into my mouth and tightened around my head severely.  Then decibel by decibel...I heard music...electro dance music...louder and louder until it was filling my brain.  An ipod had obviously been taped to my back and was now being pumped into my ears.

The Pick your Celebrity Dominant Game

Okay, so it's my day off...finished the laundry...went shopping for dungeon toys...and thought to myself...this blog needs a game.  So, poured myself a Gin and Tonic and this is what I came up with. 

I've got the pics of 10 celebrites below (5male/5female) that would be my Top 10 fantasy Dominants to submit to.  In the comments pick one male and one female that you would choose from the choices listed...or WRITE IN YOUR OWN...but include a link so we can get the picture :-).  I'm not including Goddess as she might like to play too...and would superceed any of these anyway :-)

Mariska Hargitay (Olivia on Law and Order SVU)

 Pauley Perrette (Abby on NCIS)

Jeri Ryan (7 of 9 on Star Trek.  She reminds me very much of Goddess)

Gina Torres (Tough Girl Actress)

Elizabeth Mitchell (LOST, V, actress)

Zak Bagans (Ghost Adventurer)

Nestor Carbonell (LOST, Psyche, Cane)

Sting (Rock Legend)

LL. Cool J (Rapper/Actor)

Johnny Depp

Choose Away!

Slave to a Married Woman: My Thoughts on My Situation

This post is quite overdo...as I've written it, edited it, rewritten it...over and over.  I'm glad it has taken this long, since I know a lot more now about myself and the people involved.  Won't be a lot of kink here, so if you're looking for O material...stay tuned for my next piece of fiction.  This is a post that means a lot to me, and one I hope you share with others you might know who are in similar relationships.  I'm not going to fall into the trap of putting words in the mouth of Goddess or her Hubby...this post is 100% my feelings, perceptions, and how I've been putting it all together for myself.

A Brief History to Catch You Up

My Goddess is married to her Hubby and they have been married for roughly 10 years.  Both of them have been active in the BDSM/kink lifestyle for a very long time...before the two of them met.  Here are some facts and my observations of them as a couple:

• They find joy in most everything they do.  They have done some incredible traveling and seen the world. 
• They are genuinely caring people.  They have done some great acts of charity, and I've learned of some fantastic things they have done to help those less fortunate.  They have done these things with no fanfare, and shown generosity and kindness to many, many people.
• They are both extremely successful in their fields, very well respected and accomplished.  Both having worked hard to achieve their success.  They are cultured, worldly, educated, well spoken, deep thinkers.
• They are open-minded on the ways of the world, alternative lifestyles, kink related issues, sexuality, and those that are different from the rest.  While they have strong convictions and beliefs on things, they are the kind of people you can talk to and have discussions with.
• They operate together with an extremely strong Trust in and with one another.  Their tolerance for differences is most remarkable, and the way they support each other in their differences is unlike anything I've seen in a couple kink or vanilla.
• While they don't always agree, they seem to find humor in their differences, and the love they share is resilient to the trappings most marriages so often fall into.  It is a FLR, but one that works as a team, one much more based on commonality, cooperation
• At some point, Goddess expressed to Hubby she wanted to seek out a sub.  The reasons and how that situation played out between them are not really important and more private.

Sooooo, enter Hawk (me).  Goddess found me on Collarme, we emailed back and forth...and in fairly short order set up a time to meet.  Goddess and I had been completely transparent with each other on our life situations, our relationships, our histories and expectations.  So the night came...we met at a pizza place between our two homes, and had dinner.  There were some nerves...that fairly quickly dissipated.  Hubby's first words when we met were, "Don't be nervous, this isn't her first ballgame."  That set the tone for some good conversation.  We then went to a local club after dinner and did some light BDSM play, the 3 of us in a partially private area of the club.  The three of us made it through that first meeting, I believe, all pleased with each other and the potential that laid before us. 

Months have passed and Goddess has collared me and I am now in her service as her sub/slave.  While most of the BDSM portion of the relationship has been Goddess and myself, we've gone to the club since as a unit of 3...spent New Years Eve together, and the dynamic of the whole things seems to be very good.  So here's the MEAT of this post.  How I'm feeling about things:

• I adore my Goddess, I worship her with all my heart and want to be the best slave I can be for her.  I trust her, I respect her, I obey her, and I am committed to her completely.
• I am thankful for the friendship of Hubby.  How he as accepted me into his/their home for who I am.  My hope is that my relationship with him will continue to strengthen and become a special friendship.
• It is a rather remarkable dynamic, one I've never experienced.  Because Goddess is happily married and they are not into swapping or swinging or poly, my submission to her has unique and has important boundaries.  There is no "romance" or overt "sexual component" to my submission.  It is quite simply a D/s relationship, based on service, worship, power exchange.  The fulfillment for me derives from having someone I care about and trust to submit to.  To get the subspace feelings out of the fantasy part of my brain and into the "living" part of my brain.
• Hubby has his own unique kinks and preferences, that I find complex and are sort of new to me.  They aren't my cup of tea, but the way he has managed to integrate his desires and kink into his life is inspirational.
• The two of them have a network of friends with fetishes, a world of experience from playing, scening, and living the life, and a desire to enjoy life and do what feels good to each of them.  As a sub with no real network other than the friends I've met here online, it is a nice extra for me to possibly join their list of friends and maybe "come out" of my submissive closet with other real people.
• I am very self conscious about my service and submission to Goddess.  There are things that I will not ever, ever do.  I don't ever want to cause problems or issues between Goddess and Hubby.  I cherish their bond, and hope that my role in their relationship ADDS to their happiness and in no way causes any bad feelings, jealousies, or problems. 
• On a different note and line of thinking...there are some sobering thoughts to submitting to a Married Goddess.  The future will likely not hold much, if any real intimacy or romance.  Goddess has said that there may come a time when she might include others in play...or even add a female sub to our small circle...which does leave open some possibility of sexuality, intimacy, etc.  The life of a submissive like myself is often watered by gentle rains of self sacrifice, joy in sorrow, fulfillment through deprivation.  It's not something new to me or any other with deep submission written on their heart.

So how do I sum up this post?  With encouragement to those in similar situations that something as unconventional as this...can work, can be rewarding, can be fulfilling.  With a lot of trust from all parties and a genuine set of caring, kind characters...the world can be a better place for a subbie like me :-)  Please feel free to ask any questions you may have.  I welcome you into my happy heart.

NYE Reflections and a Pic

New Years's Eve has always been my least favorite holiday.  It probably goes back to high school...where it seemed every NYE ended with a broken relationship.  Within 5 years, I had been dumped 3 times and dumped someone twice...hehe...I know...wtf.  Well, NYE plans and excitement have mostly been a bust ever since then, probably because I haven't put much effort into them and pretty much shrugged off the holiday entirely.

This year, however, was more than special.  Goddess had just recently collared me (previous posts) and I actually had somewhere to go...people to spend time with...and someone to serve...and it was fantastic :-)

Goddess, her hubby, and I enjoyed some laughs and great food that she had made (all to die for).  We casually watched "Wild Hogs" which I hadn't seen, and really enjoyed.  I love William H. Macy and Ray Liotta (my favs).  So at some point Goddess had thoughts beyond the vanilla sit and chat and we retired down to the basement (soon to be dungeon) and experiemented with some bondage on the desk she plans on using in the new play space.  We also tried her gag which I LOVED...made me feel so possessed and submissive.

As you can see it's a classic older desk and big enough to stretch out my arms and legs (I'm 6'5").  Also, you'll notice that the dungeon is still in phase 1...lots to be done.  Goddess helped me welcome in the new year with the most severe spanking session she has given me.  She said several times that my pain threshhold for spankings is something we need to work on a lot in 2011.  She used most of her arsenal of spanking toys.  As much as I like the leather crop...it's not my favorite at the end of a session...ouchy.  A few minutes before midnight, she made sure I was secure and okay, and then went upstairs to bring in the new year with her hubby.  I was alone...chilled...and stretched out over the desk...alone with my submissive thoughts...and they were DELICIOUS :-)
As always I found subspace...sort of left my body.  When she returned she untied me and I was sore...had been tied to the desk for over an hour.  I knew my nipples weren't going to get a pass on such a special night and I was right.  It was chilly in the basement...so Goddess had the great idea of venting an old sweatshirt.  These little pink clothespins are my new favorites...they are strong and grabby and hold lots of weight.

By 1:15am I was lossing my ability to stay awake and still had to drive home.  So that was our NYE.  I drove home sore, with a stingy bum...tender nipples...a frustrated slutty cock (not allowed release)...and my subby brain all full of happiness.

Thank you for reading and enjoy this first day of the new year!  If you're reading, but not following the blog...please sign up...I'll luv you for it.  Membership has priviledges :-)