Self Disclosure

I've read several very thoughtful "Who am I" type posts lately...authors trying to peel back some layers to describe themselves more transparently.  And, well, I guess I caught the bug.
I don't have a lot of real life friends.  My depression has...over time...worn most of them out.  I find it incredibly hard to return phone calls, to be spontaneous and go out to do things socially.  I'm an introvert in almost every sense of the word.  My self-esteem hovers around dangerous levels most of the time and there are very few emotional outlets where I can really be myself.

Much of what has shaped me comes from my past relationships.  My mother and each of my two ex-wives were extremely controlling, somewhat abusive, and quick with the put-down.  Over time I learned that if I was going to say something...I'd better think it over real good first, to avoid being chastised or told I didn't know anything...or worst of all...to be misunderstood.

As a submissive, I've served around 10 different dominant females (half pro-dommes) and ALL EXCEPT Goddess have described me as STOIC...as a sub inside himself...a slave without words...a slave that is so submissive that I get lost in my head.  With Goddess things are a little different, but I think she still notices how I sort of "shut down" and go into serving mode.  My slavery to Goddess is more complex somehow, a slightly deeper emotional connection and understanding that has grown rather quickly.

My lack of confidence, my stoic nature in and out of play-time, and my over thinking in my head has caused some big problems along my submissive journey.  I've run away from some very strong and worthy dominants.  People who took the time to care about me, to train me, to invest in me.  I guess the running stems mostly from fear of not being good enough for them, or making mistakes.  There has been some vanilla life garbage that definitely has contributed to the running as well...a sort of "nothing bad can happen if I cut myself off from everyone" attitude.

But, like I said, I'm growing.  I'm learning to communicate a little better.  I'm a better match for my owner than anyone I've previously served.  I say that because our objectives, interests, motivations are in tune.  I'll post again with more of a Goddess Centric post, to share a more in depth scope to my slavery to her.

So...what do I need?  I need ownership, companionship, and friendship from patient people...people who understand how singular and fragile I can be...how easily I cry...how quickly I sink into deep subspaces and thrive in their technicolor emotions and feelings.  I'm not sad, although the future does scare me a bit.  Facing the world is tricky when you're a thinker...a STOIC...and living in a fast paced, rat race world.