Self Disclosure

I've read several very thoughtful "Who am I" type posts lately...authors trying to peel back some layers to describe themselves more transparently.  And, well, I guess I caught the bug.
I don't have a lot of real life friends.  My depression has...over time...worn most of them out.  I find it incredibly hard to return phone calls, to be spontaneous and go out to do things socially.  I'm an introvert in almost every sense of the word.  My self-esteem hovers around dangerous levels most of the time and there are very few emotional outlets where I can really be myself.

Much of what has shaped me comes from my past relationships.  My mother and each of my two ex-wives were extremely controlling, somewhat abusive, and quick with the put-down.  Over time I learned that if I was going to say something...I'd better think it over real good first, to avoid being chastised or told I didn't know anything...or worst of all...to be misunderstood.

As a submissive, I've served around 10 different dominant females (half pro-dommes) and ALL EXCEPT Goddess have described me as STOIC...as a sub inside himself...a slave without words...a slave that is so submissive that I get lost in my head.  With Goddess things are a little different, but I think she still notices how I sort of "shut down" and go into serving mode.  My slavery to Goddess is more complex somehow, a slightly deeper emotional connection and understanding that has grown rather quickly.

My lack of confidence, my stoic nature in and out of play-time, and my over thinking in my head has caused some big problems along my submissive journey.  I've run away from some very strong and worthy dominants.  People who took the time to care about me, to train me, to invest in me.  I guess the running stems mostly from fear of not being good enough for them, or making mistakes.  There has been some vanilla life garbage that definitely has contributed to the running as well...a sort of "nothing bad can happen if I cut myself off from everyone" attitude.

But, like I said, I'm growing.  I'm learning to communicate a little better.  I'm a better match for my owner than anyone I've previously served.  I say that because our objectives, interests, motivations are in tune.  I'll post again with more of a Goddess Centric post, to share a more in depth scope to my slavery to her.

So...what do I need?  I need ownership, companionship, and friendship from patient people...people who understand how singular and fragile I can be...how easily I cry...how quickly I sink into deep subspaces and thrive in their technicolor emotions and feelings.  I'm not sad, although the future does scare me a bit.  Facing the world is tricky when you're a thinker...a STOIC...and living in a fast paced, rat race world.

Goddess and the Dungeon

The dungeon has come a LONG way!

We've constructed walls (above) and although we may configure them slightly different, the work we have put in is really starting to show.  By the end of this month it should be mostly finished

 :-)

Of course there are always improvements and "adds", but the Space is for all intensive purposes...ready for action.

Also, Goddess received a new paddle that came as an extra with my collar.  It's called the "Lightning Bolt" and it is exquisitely made.  Check out Black Market Chicago and the image of Goddess with the new tool below...

She is Divine and so worthy of praise and worship.  I am fortunate to be in her service!

Some Images and Updates on the Journey

Snowed in...and listening to the wind howl...wishing I was at her feet...where I belong on a day like today.  Unfortunately, there's 15 miles of blizzard between us :-( 

So thought I'd catch you up with some words and pictures.

Very early in my service to Goddess, she discovered that a pair of dog leashes (moderately heavy chain) made great toys for attaching to my nipple clamps.  They've been used on many occasions and although I sort of dread them...they are extremely effective in a variety of situations.  Goddess enjoys them as well, both for their perfect weight and the way they can be used.  Above she mixed one of the leashes with one of my main duties...foot worship.  Almost every aspect of my training has a component of nipple torture.  It is one of many likes that we share, that binds us together.

Impact play, spanking, and the "reddening of the ass" are activities that are challenging for me, always have been.  I know I've got a long way to go in my training to completely satisfy Goddess in this way of submitting.  A bondage component helps me to be able to suffer longer and harder, and I know that this type of training and punishment is something that will always be tested.  Because it is important to her...it's important to me.  Above I received a nice Rosy pair of cheeks last weekend.

Something I learned at the very beginning of my submissive journey..."a sub cleans up his mess"...is ever present in my life.  Goddess enjoys this and expects it from me...it is a "given".  I've noticed several other bloggers writing about the subject lately, and just thought an image of my "reality" might be apropo.

Goddess and I both struggle with the limited amount of time in which I'm able to serve her.  Work, family, weather, and other things seem to prevent us from having the quantity of time we both desire for my training and service.  While this will always be a challenge, it's one that is made bearable by the fact that the "quality" of the time we do have is unsurpassed.

The title of this Blog, "Sub Space Searching" could really be altered to say "Sub Space Found"...but then again...deeper places of Space are still out there waiting to be cultivated.  Goddess has already made it known that there is much on the road ahead of me....

Images for subservient-husband: As Promised

As promised, from the "What's your favorite bondage position" post, here are some images of SH's contribution.  You see, this really IS interactive!

Hopefully, that's the idea you had in mind sub-hub :-)

Another post will be coming soon, as I've much more to share....

If you had your own "Little Bird"...

What naughty message would you have it whisper in your Owner's/Sub's ear today???

Sometimes I think the silent communication that happens between Owners and Subs is a delicious exchange.  Other times, it seems the silence gets in the way of great things.  Does that make sense?

Mine would whisper in Goddess' ear....
"Your slave's limits are feeling very...

S-T-R-E-T-C-H-Y"

p.s. (unrelated):  My Collarme profile has become a magnet for beautiful transexuals.  Not sure what that means or how I should take it, but....guess I'm flattered :-)

Your Favorite Bondage Position?

Since Goddess and I now have the flexibility and luxury of the new dungeon, experimenting with positions has been sort of a focal point.  Finding different materials to use...positions to force...etc.  I guess you could say I'm a little lost in my head as to:

• What invokes a sub-spacey feeling most?
• What hurts or is the most uncomfortable?
• Which gives Goddess best access to my body for her favorite activities?
• Which positions can I hold and suffer for long periods of time?
• Which positions take the most time to secure?
• Which positions are the safest or most dangerous?
• Which do I desire to be put in the  most?  the least?
• Which positions does Goddess enjoy most? least?

Guess I'll have to fill you in when I have the answers...but right now I'm just enjoying the fact that Goddess has sooooooooooo many options :-)

What are your favorites? Your Least favorite?  Do you have a picture of a position or bondage method you'd like to see Goddess put me in (we'll do them and post a personalized image of it)?  All comments are very welcome!