Deep Thought: How being overwhelmed by Real Life affects Subs

"Just Shoot me"

"Just Kill me"

"Put me out of my misery"

"Calgon take me away"

"I just don't care anymore"

"Stick a fork in me"

All things that most of us think or say when Real Life gets overwhelming.  Whether its work, family, money, or all those little "issues" that seem to hit all at once...there is a tendency to just need to MAKE IT STOP!  I had one of those days yesterday...almost felt like crying, almost felt like locking myself in my room and never leaving.  It is at moments like this that many people reach for alchohol or drugs...some form of escapism.

For me, when I reach that point where I just can't cope, a very different feeling sometimes creeps in...I want to be beaten...I want to just wallow in the awfulness of the day and truly SUFFER...suffer so much that it washes all the other crap away.  Being as submissive as I am, slipping into subspace is very easy to do.  I can get there massaging feet...even just listening to my Goddess speak sometimes.  But...

Subspace is actually so much more to me.  It is a place where the only things that really matter are my service, my attention, my submission to the will, desire, and pleasure of my owner.  It is a place of "cleansing...of sorts"...shedding all the rest of the world and its issues and problems in order to concentrate on the ONE person who you adore and worship.  So...

I guess its not surprising that when the world gets to be too much...when vanilla life gets overwhelming...there is a natural "pull" or "yearning" to get cleansed by something powerful and strong enough to refocus and "let go".

Last night I told Goddess that I needed to be "beaten", to have the toil of the real life day erased with pain.  I think this was something...an emotion...that was new to her.  I'm so glad I was able to talk to her about it, and that conversation inspired this post.  Also...

There is a Ying to this Yang.  There is also a desire...a need to be held...caressed...cared for...probably much more common I'm guessing.  I have those feelings too, like everyone.  But  they aren't exclusive.  It's just that sometimes the need for comfort and the need for pain/suffering collide, and one may tip the balance.

My questions to you are:

1. For the subs, do you ever get similar feelings when real life gets to be too much?
2. For the doms, have you experienced this in your subs?
3. For the switches, can you understand what I'm trying to share here?
4. Is it selfish of a sub to have this type of desire or need to be "beaten" or "cleansed with pain"?
5. Is this just another bad way of escaping life...like drugs or booze?
6. Is this a destructive response to bad days or bad times?

This feeling doesn't happen much...usually doesn't linger that long either.  But it's very real for me.  Thanks for reading and I would appreciate your feedback :-)

Goddess Images

After working on the dungeon all day, we played with the camera a little.  Here is a very artistic view of Goddess' most incredible foot....

And a capture of my service as Goddess relaxed at the end of the evening...with worship and a foot massage...

So much fantastic stuff has been happening.  Goddess has brought up a more structured "training curriculum" and also her desire to begin some other areas of my development, in order to help me become her perfect slave.  Much more to come!

The New Dungeon Playspace: Another step forward!

Well, Goddess and I worked ALL day yesterday on the new dungeon.  As you can see, we made HUGE progress...even beyond what we expected.

You've already seen the desk in action from New Year's Eve, but we made some enhancements to it.  We also were able to turn an old exercise machine into a functioning "Cross of Sorts".

I fashioned a place to hang Goddess' favorite hanging implements as well.  We still have some decorative work to do, some safety checking with some of the equipment, and a couple more tricks up our sleeves.  But I can tell you this is going to be a playspace worthy of someone as superior and fantastic as Goddess :-)

Definitely more to come soon on this very soon! 

Fiction: Alone yet Not

It had been one week since I'd seen Mistress, and as I rang the doorbell, the frozen wind of mid January ran its chilled fingers through my hair.  A tear slowly made its way from my eye.  The door opened and I took a few steps in, far enough for the door to close behind me and knelt on the floor.  Within seconds I felt my collar being tightly placed around my neck and heard the lock click shut.  Just as fast I was shrouded in darkness as her favorite blindfold was pulled over my head and left snug over my eyes. 

"Slide off your shoes and your coat slave boy." I heard her almost whisper.  I did and then I heard my leash being attached to the ring hanging from the leather around my neck.  "Follow me carefully on your hands and knees. We're going to the basement and I DON'T want you to screw up my fun by tumbling down the stairs."  I felt the leash tugging at me, and followed it as she pulled me to the basement door.  I very slowly crawled down the stairs behind her...one step at a time...making sure not to slip.  Once at the bottom, she led me to the center of her lair.  I could see nothing, but since I'd been there many times, I had a rough idea of where I was.  I felt her pulling at my sweatshirt...up and over my head..."Stand up" she said almost inaudibly...and those were the last words I heard all night.  The button on my jeans was undone...the zipper...and my pants fell to the ground.  I stepped out of them. 

What happened next still is left to my imagination...but all at once it seemed like there were hands all over me...and before I could even begin to decipher what was going on, I had cuffs on wrists and ankles...my legs were spread and held in place by a spreader bar...and my arms were raised up to the ceiling and fastened in a way that I was completely stretched out with no slack or wiggle room at all for any of my limbs.

I felt something cold pressed against the back of my neck and then heard the unmistakable sound of tape being ripped and then being pressed over the cold object...followed by my ears being stuffed with something soft.  I hung there, blind and deaf for at least 5 minutes.  Fingers prying my mouth open and...her favorite gag (I knew it well) was pushed into my mouth and tightened around my head severely.  Then decibel by decibel...I heard music...electro dance music...louder and louder until it was filling my brain.  An ipod had obviously been taped to my back and was now being pumped into my ears.

The Pick your Celebrity Dominant Game

Okay, so it's my day off...finished the laundry...went shopping for dungeon toys...and thought to myself...this blog needs a game.  So, poured myself a Gin and Tonic and this is what I came up with. 

I've got the pics of 10 celebrites below (5male/5female) that would be my Top 10 fantasy Dominants to submit to.  In the comments pick one male and one female that you would choose from the choices listed...or WRITE IN YOUR OWN...but include a link so we can get the picture :-).  I'm not including Goddess as she might like to play too...and would superceed any of these anyway :-)

Mariska Hargitay (Olivia on Law and Order SVU)

 Pauley Perrette (Abby on NCIS)

Jeri Ryan (7 of 9 on Star Trek.  She reminds me very much of Goddess)

Gina Torres (Tough Girl Actress)

Elizabeth Mitchell (LOST, V, actress)

Zak Bagans (Ghost Adventurer)

Nestor Carbonell (LOST, Psyche, Cane)

Sting (Rock Legend)

LL. Cool J (Rapper/Actor)

Johnny Depp

Choose Away!

Slave to a Married Woman: My Thoughts on My Situation

This post is quite overdo...as I've written it, edited it, rewritten it...over and over.  I'm glad it has taken this long, since I know a lot more now about myself and the people involved.  Won't be a lot of kink here, so if you're looking for O material...stay tuned for my next piece of fiction.  This is a post that means a lot to me, and one I hope you share with others you might know who are in similar relationships.  I'm not going to fall into the trap of putting words in the mouth of Goddess or her Hubby...this post is 100% my feelings, perceptions, and how I've been putting it all together for myself.

A Brief History to Catch You Up

My Goddess is married to her Hubby and they have been married for roughly 10 years.  Both of them have been active in the BDSM/kink lifestyle for a very long time...before the two of them met.  Here are some facts and my observations of them as a couple:

• They find joy in most everything they do.  They have done some incredible traveling and seen the world. 
• They are genuinely caring people.  They have done some great acts of charity, and I've learned of some fantastic things they have done to help those less fortunate.  They have done these things with no fanfare, and shown generosity and kindness to many, many people.
• They are both extremely successful in their fields, very well respected and accomplished.  Both having worked hard to achieve their success.  They are cultured, worldly, educated, well spoken, deep thinkers.
• They are open-minded on the ways of the world, alternative lifestyles, kink related issues, sexuality, and those that are different from the rest.  While they have strong convictions and beliefs on things, they are the kind of people you can talk to and have discussions with.
• They operate together with an extremely strong Trust in and with one another.  Their tolerance for differences is most remarkable, and the way they support each other in their differences is unlike anything I've seen in a couple kink or vanilla.
• While they don't always agree, they seem to find humor in their differences, and the love they share is resilient to the trappings most marriages so often fall into.  It is a FLR, but one that works as a team, one much more based on commonality, cooperation
• At some point, Goddess expressed to Hubby she wanted to seek out a sub.  The reasons and how that situation played out between them are not really important and more private.

Sooooo, enter Hawk (me).  Goddess found me on Collarme, we emailed back and forth...and in fairly short order set up a time to meet.  Goddess and I had been completely transparent with each other on our life situations, our relationships, our histories and expectations.  So the night came...we met at a pizza place between our two homes, and had dinner.  There were some nerves...that fairly quickly dissipated.  Hubby's first words when we met were, "Don't be nervous, this isn't her first ballgame."  That set the tone for some good conversation.  We then went to a local club after dinner and did some light BDSM play, the 3 of us in a partially private area of the club.  The three of us made it through that first meeting, I believe, all pleased with each other and the potential that laid before us. 

Months have passed and Goddess has collared me and I am now in her service as her sub/slave.  While most of the BDSM portion of the relationship has been Goddess and myself, we've gone to the club since as a unit of 3...spent New Years Eve together, and the dynamic of the whole things seems to be very good.  So here's the MEAT of this post.  How I'm feeling about things:

• I adore my Goddess, I worship her with all my heart and want to be the best slave I can be for her.  I trust her, I respect her, I obey her, and I am committed to her completely.
• I am thankful for the friendship of Hubby.  How he as accepted me into his/their home for who I am.  My hope is that my relationship with him will continue to strengthen and become a special friendship.
• It is a rather remarkable dynamic, one I've never experienced.  Because Goddess is happily married and they are not into swapping or swinging or poly, my submission to her has unique and has important boundaries.  There is no "romance" or overt "sexual component" to my submission.  It is quite simply a D/s relationship, based on service, worship, power exchange.  The fulfillment for me derives from having someone I care about and trust to submit to.  To get the subspace feelings out of the fantasy part of my brain and into the "living" part of my brain.
• Hubby has his own unique kinks and preferences, that I find complex and are sort of new to me.  They aren't my cup of tea, but the way he has managed to integrate his desires and kink into his life is inspirational.
• The two of them have a network of friends with fetishes, a world of experience from playing, scening, and living the life, and a desire to enjoy life and do what feels good to each of them.  As a sub with no real network other than the friends I've met here online, it is a nice extra for me to possibly join their list of friends and maybe "come out" of my submissive closet with other real people.
• I am very self conscious about my service and submission to Goddess.  There are things that I will not ever, ever do.  I don't ever want to cause problems or issues between Goddess and Hubby.  I cherish their bond, and hope that my role in their relationship ADDS to their happiness and in no way causes any bad feelings, jealousies, or problems. 
• On a different note and line of thinking...there are some sobering thoughts to submitting to a Married Goddess.  The future will likely not hold much, if any real intimacy or romance.  Goddess has said that there may come a time when she might include others in play...or even add a female sub to our small circle...which does leave open some possibility of sexuality, intimacy, etc.  The life of a submissive like myself is often watered by gentle rains of self sacrifice, joy in sorrow, fulfillment through deprivation.  It's not something new to me or any other with deep submission written on their heart.

So how do I sum up this post?  With encouragement to those in similar situations that something as unconventional as this...can work, can be rewarding, can be fulfilling.  With a lot of trust from all parties and a genuine set of caring, kind characters...the world can be a better place for a subbie like me :-)  Please feel free to ask any questions you may have.  I welcome you into my happy heart.