Some Images and Updates on the Journey

Snowed in...and listening to the wind howl...wishing I was at her feet...where I belong on a day like today.  Unfortunately, there's 15 miles of blizzard between us :-( 

So thought I'd catch you up with some words and pictures.

Very early in my service to Goddess, she discovered that a pair of dog leashes (moderately heavy chain) made great toys for attaching to my nipple clamps.  They've been used on many occasions and although I sort of dread them...they are extremely effective in a variety of situations.  Goddess enjoys them as well, both for their perfect weight and the way they can be used.  Above she mixed one of the leashes with one of my main duties...foot worship.  Almost every aspect of my training has a component of nipple torture.  It is one of many likes that we share, that binds us together.

Impact play, spanking, and the "reddening of the ass" are activities that are challenging for me, always have been.  I know I've got a long way to go in my training to completely satisfy Goddess in this way of submitting.  A bondage component helps me to be able to suffer longer and harder, and I know that this type of training and punishment is something that will always be tested.  Because it is important to her...it's important to me.  Above I received a nice Rosy pair of cheeks last weekend.

Something I learned at the very beginning of my submissive journey..."a sub cleans up his mess"...is ever present in my life.  Goddess enjoys this and expects it from me...it is a "given".  I've noticed several other bloggers writing about the subject lately, and just thought an image of my "reality" might be apropo.

Goddess and I both struggle with the limited amount of time in which I'm able to serve her.  Work, family, weather, and other things seem to prevent us from having the quantity of time we both desire for my training and service.  While this will always be a challenge, it's one that is made bearable by the fact that the "quality" of the time we do have is unsurpassed.

The title of this Blog, "Sub Space Searching" could really be altered to say "Sub Space Found"...but then again...deeper places of Space are still out there waiting to be cultivated.  Goddess has already made it known that there is much on the road ahead of me....

Little Snapshot of Sunday

I had a chance to serve Goddess yesterday...YEAH!  We went shopping and found some really nice fabric to use for the dungeon walls (stay tuned).  We were also able to clean out more basement "stuff" to the curb. 

We had some time to again try out the dungeon and it was an incredible afternoon.  Goddess found a new position for me that she really enjoyed...

One of the benefits of this position was to explore, for the first time...foot cropping.  I had seen it in many movies and was very curious about it.  Goddess used a couple of tools on my feet...the fleshy part on and around the arch.  It was exquisite pain...made me feel very submissive, and hopefully Goddess will begin to include that place on my body for future training and punishment :-)

Have a Mombo Monday everyone!

Not narcoleptic...maybe SAD

So a little bit about me.  I don't think there's a medical term for it...but if there were...the definition would be:

"Does not have the inner ability or mental strength to fight off sleep when tired."

Yeah, that's me.  I've been in 5 serious car accidents in my life...2 of them were from falling asleep at the wheel.  I learned at an early age not to tempt fate by driving when tired...I just can't fight it.  As I age (45), it seems to be amplifying on me, and I don't like it one bit.

Goddess and I chat online most nights that we aren't together, after hers and my personal reponsibilities are finished, usually sometime between 9 and 10pm.  Lately, however, I've been dosing off and not waking up until it's too late.  I'll sit down on the couch to eat dinner and watch a spot of TV...and the next thing I know...its 2am.  Probably sounds strange I'm sure, but I just can't fight sleep after that first yawn of the evening.

I'm getting between 6-8 hours of sleep, and I don't have a particularly strenuous job.  My diet's not great, but not horrible either.  So this thing I've dealt with all my life is getting worse...and it's costing me time with my owner...costing me productive personal time...making me feel bad about myself for not being a good subbie.  I guess in my mind, a sub should be so available, and able to stretch time and schedules to accomodate...and I'm failing.

Now Goddess has been very understanding, very reassuring, and very supportive.  In that way, I'm so lucky.  I realize this.  But just not sure how to cope with or correct the trend.  Glad to hear your thoughts.  I know there are many practical solutions, but I've tried most of them and I'm still coming up...sleeping.

Last night was a small victory, as I had just gotten home from work...eaten a nice meal...gotten into my PJ's...and not only started chatting with Goddess, but actually found the energy to "wake up/clean up/and go" to her house for service.  Maybe it's SAD (seasonal affective disorder) where during the short days of winter...a depression sets in, it's main symptom...loss of energy and ambition. 

Oh well, not an exciting post I know, but it's been on my mind...........

Deep Thought: How being overwhelmed by Real Life affects Subs

"Just Shoot me"

"Just Kill me"

"Put me out of my misery"

"Calgon take me away"

"I just don't care anymore"

"Stick a fork in me"

All things that most of us think or say when Real Life gets overwhelming.  Whether its work, family, money, or all those little "issues" that seem to hit all at once...there is a tendency to just need to MAKE IT STOP!  I had one of those days yesterday...almost felt like crying, almost felt like locking myself in my room and never leaving.  It is at moments like this that many people reach for alchohol or drugs...some form of escapism.

For me, when I reach that point where I just can't cope, a very different feeling sometimes creeps in...I want to be beaten...I want to just wallow in the awfulness of the day and truly SUFFER...suffer so much that it washes all the other crap away.  Being as submissive as I am, slipping into subspace is very easy to do.  I can get there massaging feet...even just listening to my Goddess speak sometimes.  But...

Subspace is actually so much more to me.  It is a place where the only things that really matter are my service, my attention, my submission to the will, desire, and pleasure of my owner.  It is a place of "cleansing...of sorts"...shedding all the rest of the world and its issues and problems in order to concentrate on the ONE person who you adore and worship.  So...

I guess its not surprising that when the world gets to be too much...when vanilla life gets overwhelming...there is a natural "pull" or "yearning" to get cleansed by something powerful and strong enough to refocus and "let go".

Last night I told Goddess that I needed to be "beaten", to have the toil of the real life day erased with pain.  I think this was something...an emotion...that was new to her.  I'm so glad I was able to talk to her about it, and that conversation inspired this post.  Also...

There is a Ying to this Yang.  There is also a desire...a need to be held...caressed...cared for...probably much more common I'm guessing.  I have those feelings too, like everyone.  But  they aren't exclusive.  It's just that sometimes the need for comfort and the need for pain/suffering collide, and one may tip the balance.

My questions to you are:

1. For the subs, do you ever get similar feelings when real life gets to be too much?
2. For the doms, have you experienced this in your subs?
3. For the switches, can you understand what I'm trying to share here?
4. Is it selfish of a sub to have this type of desire or need to be "beaten" or "cleansed with pain"?
5. Is this just another bad way of escaping life...like drugs or booze?
6. Is this a destructive response to bad days or bad times?

This feeling doesn't happen much...usually doesn't linger that long either.  But it's very real for me.  Thanks for reading and I would appreciate your feedback :-)

The New Dungeon Playspace: Another step forward!

Well, Goddess and I worked ALL day yesterday on the new dungeon.  As you can see, we made HUGE progress...even beyond what we expected.

You've already seen the desk in action from New Year's Eve, but we made some enhancements to it.  We also were able to turn an old exercise machine into a functioning "Cross of Sorts".

I fashioned a place to hang Goddess' favorite hanging implements as well.  We still have some decorative work to do, some safety checking with some of the equipment, and a couple more tricks up our sleeves.  But I can tell you this is going to be a playspace worthy of someone as superior and fantastic as Goddess :-)

Definitely more to come soon on this very soon! 

Slave to a Married Woman: My Thoughts on My Situation

This post is quite overdo...as I've written it, edited it, rewritten it...over and over.  I'm glad it has taken this long, since I know a lot more now about myself and the people involved.  Won't be a lot of kink here, so if you're looking for O material...stay tuned for my next piece of fiction.  This is a post that means a lot to me, and one I hope you share with others you might know who are in similar relationships.  I'm not going to fall into the trap of putting words in the mouth of Goddess or her Hubby...this post is 100% my feelings, perceptions, and how I've been putting it all together for myself.

A Brief History to Catch You Up

My Goddess is married to her Hubby and they have been married for roughly 10 years.  Both of them have been active in the BDSM/kink lifestyle for a very long time...before the two of them met.  Here are some facts and my observations of them as a couple:

• They find joy in most everything they do.  They have done some incredible traveling and seen the world. 
• They are genuinely caring people.  They have done some great acts of charity, and I've learned of some fantastic things they have done to help those less fortunate.  They have done these things with no fanfare, and shown generosity and kindness to many, many people.
• They are both extremely successful in their fields, very well respected and accomplished.  Both having worked hard to achieve their success.  They are cultured, worldly, educated, well spoken, deep thinkers.
• They are open-minded on the ways of the world, alternative lifestyles, kink related issues, sexuality, and those that are different from the rest.  While they have strong convictions and beliefs on things, they are the kind of people you can talk to and have discussions with.
• They operate together with an extremely strong Trust in and with one another.  Their tolerance for differences is most remarkable, and the way they support each other in their differences is unlike anything I've seen in a couple kink or vanilla.
• While they don't always agree, they seem to find humor in their differences, and the love they share is resilient to the trappings most marriages so often fall into.  It is a FLR, but one that works as a team, one much more based on commonality, cooperation
• At some point, Goddess expressed to Hubby she wanted to seek out a sub.  The reasons and how that situation played out between them are not really important and more private.

Sooooo, enter Hawk (me).  Goddess found me on Collarme, we emailed back and forth...and in fairly short order set up a time to meet.  Goddess and I had been completely transparent with each other on our life situations, our relationships, our histories and expectations.  So the night came...we met at a pizza place between our two homes, and had dinner.  There were some nerves...that fairly quickly dissipated.  Hubby's first words when we met were, "Don't be nervous, this isn't her first ballgame."  That set the tone for some good conversation.  We then went to a local club after dinner and did some light BDSM play, the 3 of us in a partially private area of the club.  The three of us made it through that first meeting, I believe, all pleased with each other and the potential that laid before us. 

Months have passed and Goddess has collared me and I am now in her service as her sub/slave.  While most of the BDSM portion of the relationship has been Goddess and myself, we've gone to the club since as a unit of 3...spent New Years Eve together, and the dynamic of the whole things seems to be very good.  So here's the MEAT of this post.  How I'm feeling about things:

• I adore my Goddess, I worship her with all my heart and want to be the best slave I can be for her.  I trust her, I respect her, I obey her, and I am committed to her completely.
• I am thankful for the friendship of Hubby.  How he as accepted me into his/their home for who I am.  My hope is that my relationship with him will continue to strengthen and become a special friendship.
• It is a rather remarkable dynamic, one I've never experienced.  Because Goddess is happily married and they are not into swapping or swinging or poly, my submission to her has unique and has important boundaries.  There is no "romance" or overt "sexual component" to my submission.  It is quite simply a D/s relationship, based on service, worship, power exchange.  The fulfillment for me derives from having someone I care about and trust to submit to.  To get the subspace feelings out of the fantasy part of my brain and into the "living" part of my brain.
• Hubby has his own unique kinks and preferences, that I find complex and are sort of new to me.  They aren't my cup of tea, but the way he has managed to integrate his desires and kink into his life is inspirational.
• The two of them have a network of friends with fetishes, a world of experience from playing, scening, and living the life, and a desire to enjoy life and do what feels good to each of them.  As a sub with no real network other than the friends I've met here online, it is a nice extra for me to possibly join their list of friends and maybe "come out" of my submissive closet with other real people.
• I am very self conscious about my service and submission to Goddess.  There are things that I will not ever, ever do.  I don't ever want to cause problems or issues between Goddess and Hubby.  I cherish their bond, and hope that my role in their relationship ADDS to their happiness and in no way causes any bad feelings, jealousies, or problems. 
• On a different note and line of thinking...there are some sobering thoughts to submitting to a Married Goddess.  The future will likely not hold much, if any real intimacy or romance.  Goddess has said that there may come a time when she might include others in play...or even add a female sub to our small circle...which does leave open some possibility of sexuality, intimacy, etc.  The life of a submissive like myself is often watered by gentle rains of self sacrifice, joy in sorrow, fulfillment through deprivation.  It's not something new to me or any other with deep submission written on their heart.

So how do I sum up this post?  With encouragement to those in similar situations that something as unconventional as this...can work, can be rewarding, can be fulfilling.  With a lot of trust from all parties and a genuine set of caring, kind characters...the world can be a better place for a subbie like me :-)  Please feel free to ask any questions you may have.  I welcome you into my happy heart.

NYE Reflections and a Pic

New Years's Eve has always been my least favorite holiday.  It probably goes back to high school...where it seemed every NYE ended with a broken relationship.  Within 5 years, I had been dumped 3 times and dumped someone twice...hehe...I know...wtf.  Well, NYE plans and excitement have mostly been a bust ever since then, probably because I haven't put much effort into them and pretty much shrugged off the holiday entirely.

This year, however, was more than special.  Goddess had just recently collared me (previous posts) and I actually had somewhere to go...people to spend time with...and someone to serve...and it was fantastic :-)

Goddess, her hubby, and I enjoyed some laughs and great food that she had made (all to die for).  We casually watched "Wild Hogs" which I hadn't seen, and really enjoyed.  I love William H. Macy and Ray Liotta (my favs).  So at some point Goddess had thoughts beyond the vanilla sit and chat and we retired down to the basement (soon to be dungeon) and experiemented with some bondage on the desk she plans on using in the new play space.  We also tried her gag which I LOVED...made me feel so possessed and submissive.

As you can see it's a classic older desk and big enough to stretch out my arms and legs (I'm 6'5").  Also, you'll notice that the dungeon is still in phase 1...lots to be done.  Goddess helped me welcome in the new year with the most severe spanking session she has given me.  She said several times that my pain threshhold for spankings is something we need to work on a lot in 2011.  She used most of her arsenal of spanking toys.  As much as I like the leather crop...it's not my favorite at the end of a session...ouchy.  A few minutes before midnight, she made sure I was secure and okay, and then went upstairs to bring in the new year with her hubby.  I was alone...chilled...and stretched out over the desk...alone with my submissive thoughts...and they were DELICIOUS :-)
As always I found subspace...sort of left my body.  When she returned she untied me and I was sore...had been tied to the desk for over an hour.  I knew my nipples weren't going to get a pass on such a special night and I was right.  It was chilly in the basement...so Goddess had the great idea of venting an old sweatshirt.  These little pink clothespins are my new favorites...they are strong and grabby and hold lots of weight.

By 1:15am I was lossing my ability to stay awake and still had to drive home.  So that was our NYE.  I drove home sore, with a stingy bum...tender nipples...a frustrated slutty cock (not allowed release)...and my subby brain all full of happiness.

Thank you for reading and enjoy this first day of the new year!  If you're reading, but not following the blog...please sign up...I'll luv you for it.  Membership has priviledges :-)

New Year's Resolutions

In addition to a host of personal habits and responsibilities that I have to my owner, these are the "extras" on my list of things to accomplish in 2011.

Okay...drum roll please...

1. To find at least one new and special way to please Goddess each month.  Something that will make her smile, please her in a way that brings a freshness and a newness to my service to her. (I'll gladly accept ideas :-)
2. To do everything I can to see Goddess's dream of her own private dungeon come to fruition.
3. To build a stronger, deeper, more meaningful network of others in the BDSM lifestyle.
4. To become more fit, lean, flexible so as to be able to serve Goddess better.
5. To more faithfully work on this blog so that it is a fitting tribute to my Goddess.
6. To make movies of my submission and share them.
7. To revive my photography hobby and use it to expand my world vision and to please Goddess with the images.
8. To meet, if only for coffee, 3 online friends in the real world...to merge the cyberlife with the reallife.
9. To go on some sort of retreat...completely non-vanilla (a 2 day seminar or event, camping, D/s lifestyle mini trip)
10. To expand and develop my submissive limits in the areas I am deficient (future post coming)
11. To share my submissive life with one vanilla friend...again an attempt to merge both parts of life...vanilla/non-vanilla...in order to spend less time going from one to the other...and spend more time in the BDSM lifestyle...out of the closet.

The Most Special Gift of All: A Collar

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Diary: When Worship Gets Sticky

Through out my submissive journey, I've probably spent months of my life worshiping feet.  It's one thing I do extremely well, and can always be sure that my service is pleasing my dominant, and making their life better...more enjoyable.  I've been trained professionally on foot massage technique, I've devoted my life to practice and training to become even better.  I'm tireless with my mouth and tongue when it comes to kisses, licks, sucks, and nuzzles.  

So when Goddess introduced her desire for me to "feed" from her feet...I knew that my horizon's were going to be expanded.  I've now had desert from her toes twice...and also cleaned up one of my "messes" from her toes as well (in front of several gawking strangers to boot).  Worshiping a magnificent foot is a foundation of my submissiveness...a platform that many other forms of service are built up from. 

Maybe the biggest thing about foot worship for me is...it is a downhill run to Subspace...a freefall into subbyland...where a total exchange of power...a total devotion to the pleasure and benefit of my owner...begins.

Diary: Basement: Your Help

As Goddess visualizes her ideal dungeon space and we work to make it a reality.  It would be great to get some help from you readers.  Please feel free to contribute:

• Any "do-it-yourself" ideas for furniture, decoration, miscellaneous dungeon stuff.
• What you would have in YOUR dream dungeon.
• Pictures or links to practical dungeon solutions.

• Any creative ideas you might have.



The space will be approximately 15' x 15' give or take.  Cement walls on 2 sides and open for drape/curtain walls on the other two.  Cement floor.  Lots of rafters and beams exposed on the ceiling.  Starting from scratch, so everything will be by Goddess' design and meet her approval.

Thanks for any help you might be able to give in the thought process :-)

Diary: The Basement

No this isn't going to be a "locked in the basement like an animal" entry :-)  Actually I spent Sunday afternoon with Goddess and her husband at their home.  We began a basement cleanup with the objective of making space to construct a dungeon lair for her.  They have the typical accumulation of "things" that anyone builds up throughout life...so there were boxes and boxes of various things: clothes, keepsakes, books, old dishes, etc.  We spent several hours organizing, purging, reminiscing about certain items.  It was fun on several levels.  First of all, I enjoyed being helpful in a different way, as it made me feel useful to them.  Secondly, I got to know them as people...interacting in a different way than domme/sub.  Thirdly, I learned more about them by seeing their keepsakes, hearing their stories, and allowing a nice element of humor and lightheartedness.

After we had cleared out many, many shelves.  I hauled up the throwaway boxes to the garage to be ready for trash day.  It was a labor of love, but in all honesty, it was work :-)  I overdid it a tad, and was pretty sore that night and the day after.  Guess it was a reminder that a 45 year old man can and does get out of shape.

Well, as we called the basement quits, Goddess made sure we still had time to continue my training and I endured a very strenuous session of nipple training/torture, that pleased her greatly.  It was a new benchmark for me in the level of suffering that I was able to endure for her.

The journey continues and all is well with the world.

Diary: My First Punishment

I had failed her earlier this week.  Goddess has given me 5 different pairs of panties to wear at her direction.  I was to always have a clean pair available, in case she wished me to wear a pair to work or had special plans.  Well...I failed...between work...a busy laundry room in my complex...and dare I say...a lack of planning on my part...all 5 were in a state of non-freshness.  Goddess was displeased and made sure I knew that there were consequences for my failure.

Last night, she looked so beautiful, she smelled beautiful and when I arrived at her location...my mind wondered away from a punishment to just serving and worshiping her feet.  At one point in the evening, however, it was "that" time, and Ma'am began what was to be a very long spanking session.  She used a number of different straps, hairbrushes and paddles to warm me up.  I was thankful that she didn't just go right to "the punishment".  Once my bottom was a shade of red that pleased her...she used the wooden paddle on me...sets of 10 at a time.  It is easily the most severe of her spanking toys I've endured (except maybe the quirt).  I suffered for her...I counted out the whacks for her.  I knew that I deserved it and took the punishment as bravely as I could.

I know she went easy on me, as it was my first punishment for my first offense.  But it was severe enough to give me a taste of the repercussions of disappointing her.

There are other things I'll share at some point, including her sending me home with a pair of butterfly clamps that I will be using during my chastity training, and a glimpse of her basement...that we plan to overhaul into a private dungeon/lair.  So much going on, I'm so Thankful for her, for her guidance, for her training, for her ownership of me.  It truly is the best Thanksgiving this sub has had in a very long time.

Diary: A Humiliation for Her Enjoyment

Goddess and I attended the club on Friday night and again, my horizons were broadened.  I would just like to share a portion of the evening that really set the benchmark for any humiliation I've ever experienced.  There were very few people at the club, friendly folks, but not many of them.  I had suffered some fairly taxing nipple torture already.  She had 2 hemostats, one on each nipple, attached them with metal clasps and had a wooden paddle hanging from them for weight.  We were in a semi private room, meaning, it had a door, but the door had a window, and there was another window also in the room so people in the main play space could view in without actually interacting at all.

She positioned me in the middle of the small room facing the windows.  I was completely nude except for the nipple implements.  She used a crop on my penis and balls until I had a strong erection (which doesn't take much, especially when my nipples are involved).  An older leather man was standing up next to the window watching...and I tried my best to not look at him, avoiding his eyes.  I know he was fondling himself while he watched, which made me a little uncomfortable.  A younger couple then walked to the door and started watching also.  Goddess continued to use the crop and I continued to stand there on display for the audience outside the room.  The she handed me a small Styrofoam bowl and asked if I was ready for my reward.  I immediately said "Yes Ma'am" not wanting to give her a chance to change her mind.

Three Firsts in one Night

It's quite a day to remember.  Goddess and her hubby had invited me to their home for dinner.  It says a lot for the level of trust and understanding that each of us feels and made for a fantastic evening.  We spent a substantial amount of time chatting and sharing and having some laughs while Goddess prepared a fantastic meal.  She is a great chef and everything was wonderful.  We again all enjoyed each other's company during dinner.

After I had done the dishes, Goddess brought out a cupping set similiar to this...definitely a first for me.  She tried a couple different sizes and pressures.  All felt strange and unique, but the one that felt best was a smaller one on my left nipple.  She was very careful not to go to far...I actually liked it most when it was pumped an extra pump.  I don't think it did much for Goddess, as it did take multiple tries, wasn't working exactly as it should, and frankly, I think she just likes other things better.  I think it might be worth another try if she desired it...just to push it a little harder and see how much pain and discomfort it could cause if pumped a little further. 

Night 2 @the Club

On Friday night, Goddess, Hubby, and I again went to the local club for more get acquainted time.  Goddess and I have been chatting online daily to keep getting to know each other and talk through all the things that come up between a Domme and a new sub.  Here are the bullets of our time together:

Diary: Welcome to the beginnings

This is my first diary post on this blog and want to catch you up.  I am currently in a submissive relationship with a domme who will be known as Goddess.  The relationship is in its infancy...barely 2 weeks old, but already has roots and framework that are quite solid.  She found me on Collarme...my lonesome unfriended, uncommented Collarme profile.  I don't know what good karma I had, what luck I'd found, what fate I'd pleased...but she chose me to contact.  We chatted online for only days, and both were comfortable enough to set up a "get acquainted dinner" to see if the chemistry was as real as it seemed...both hoping not to waste time on something that had no future.  The dinner went very well and we actually went to a local club afterwards and continued a fantastic evening of getting to know each other.

Goddess is married to a very good man and they have one of those special relationships that defies the odds.  He is mostly submissive, but the two of them have a bond of friendship and comaradery that is rarely seen.  He was present at dinner and the club.  I'll probably write more about the whole subbing to a married domme in the near future, as it was/is a little strange...but something to learn from and be open-minded about.

In any case, things are well, and we plan on meeting again this weekend.  I am soooooo thankful she found me...soooo grateful she is considering me for a more permanent type sub...and sooooo thrilled to be back out of lonely searching mode.

I am also very thankful YOU are here.  I hope this blog can become very interactive.  I'm a creative sub, enjoying fiction writing, enjoy being challenged, enjoy exchanging ideas and thoughts.  Please subscribe and visit often as the potential of my journey couldn't be more bright at the moment.